Regrets? I've had a few... but then again...

I regret many things:

• the paths not taken, the university course I wanted, but chose something safer... the move to Australia much talked about, but never executed

• the time wasted deluding myself with dreams that I'd get to, next year

• I regret the way I've treated some people

• And, I regret aspects of my younger self.

Regret is interesting because it can be both useful and also completely unhelpful. Let's break that down. I think there are at least five different kinds.

1. Regrets about what you did : "I wish I hadn't done that."

These are often the easiest to live with. You can learn from them. You made a choice with the information, emotions and circumstances you had at the time.

2. Regrets about what you didn't do

These can be much more persistent.

• The relationship you didn't pursue

• The business you didn't start

• The place you didn't go

• The conversation you didn't have

• The risk you talked yourself out of.

There's something particularly uncomfortable about these because there is no event to examine. You're left imagining the alternative life.

And imagination is very good at making the road not taken look perfect.

3. Regret about time

This is probably the most interesting one as you get older.

You suddenly realise that some things aren't infinitely postponable.

You can say: "I'll do that sometime," for years. And then one day you realise that sometime has quietly become never.

That's why I think the most valuable question isn't: "What do I regret?"

It's: "What am I currently doing that my future self might regret?"

That turns regret from something backward-looking into something useful.

4. Regret for people

Some regrets aren't about decisions at all. They're about people.

• Not appreciating someone enough

• Being too proud to apologise

• Letting a friendship fade

• Not telling someone what they meant to you

• Holding onto resentment for too long.

These can be harder because you can't always repair them. But sometimes you can. And a surprisingly powerful thing about getting older is realising that "I should have said..." is occasionally followed by "so I'll say it now."

5. And, finally, regret that isn't really regret

For this one you need some self-forgiveness. Sometimes we look at an old decision from the perspective of today and think: "Why did I do that?" But the person who made that decision didn't have today's knowledge. They had a different emotional state, different ambitions, different fears and different possibilities. So perhaps we shouldn't judge our younger selves by the standards of our older selves.

They weren't failing to know the future. They were living without it.

A final thought

In general I feel mulling on the past with regret isn't helpful unless you are looking for a signal about now. Regret isn't necessarily a signal that you chose badly. Sometimes it's a sign that you cared deeply.

• You regret the relationship because it mattered

• You regret the missed opportunity because you wanted it

• You regret the adventure you didn't take because some part of you wanted to be adventurous

• In that sense, regret can tell you something about what still matters to you.

So rather than asking: "What do I regret about my life?"

I'd ask: "What does my regret tell me that I still want?"

That's the interesting question for today.